I've got this squeezing feeling in my stomach, like I want to cry.

Well, there's two days left of break, Saturday and Sunday.

I don't really want to go back to school. I finished my english project though. I did a painting. But.. it didn't really turn out the way i wanted it to. It's too... simple? like, the ideas just seem to be thrown on there, and together they don't really compliment each other.

I had high hopes for this project, but in a way, I knew I was going to end up dissapointing myself. I guess this is what happens when I decide to plan things. I've always done projects and the majority of my assignments last minute, and you know what? they usually turn out pretty freakin' great. Procrastination at its best.

I guess once I go and present it and get it over with, it'll all be over and things will go back to the way it was. I just want a good grade. I'm scared that when I finally present it, I'll mess up, or it'll turn out to be one of those projects that everyone sort of goes "ehh. it's okay."

and really, it does look like okay work to me, not anything special.

In the beginning, I was so worried with what I was going to paint, how i was going to even it out, and what symbols i could use that i ended up waisting more time thinking about it and worrying than i did actually working on the project.

I guess I just wanted to impress my teacher, really. I mean, I am pretty good at drawing, (painting, well i need to work on) and i did have alot of good ideas, but when it finally came down to putting it on, I started freaking out and left out alot of things i think i could have done better.

I don't know. I haven't been feeling great, or like myself lately either. Right now I just feel like crying. GOD it's so pathetic. Maybe once school starts again I'll be back to my old self. this break really hasn't done me any good, and it's definitely showing.

And, well... I miss someone. someone who was close to me.

i don't talk to them anymore though, and i think i'm starting to feel the void from them not being there. well, it's not that they aren't there, it's that i won't let them be there. err.. if that makes any sense.

-sigh- i can't even look at them when i see them. They probably think I hate them, but that's not true.

In fact, I love them more than they realize. but i just can't let go. I'm still hurting inside, and even though they're the reason why, i don't blame them.

I blame myself.

I really hope no one i know reads this. lol

I don't think I've ever cared about someone this much. Or maybe I feel this way becuase of how the situation is.

I feel like this is something i need to resolve, something that needs to be fixed, put back together again.

But in a selfish way, I don't want to. A part of me is wishing that the other person feels just as miserable as i do. I know that's pathetic, and immature, but anger and revenge has always been easier for me than sadness.

Jesus. I'm a spiteful bitch.

Right now I feel like I need to beat the shit out of something. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to run a million miles, and never look back. I want to throw my back against something, and feel the bruises.

And deep down inside, I want to hide under my blankets, and cry. Locked up from the world, without anyone else in it. Just me. I know that kind of environment only helps itself, but seriously, i can't take it anymore.

I feel like i'm about to breakdown any second, like a time bomb just waiting to explode.

But I also feel lonely.

really lonely inside, and i guess that doesn't help the sadness go away.

i feel like i don't have anyone who will be there for me, who is willing to understand, or who wants to understand. i don't really have anyone to talk to about this.

hell, i can't even talk to myself about it. the only reason why i'm typing this right now is because i feel that if i don't do something soon, i'm going to lose it.

i don't want someone to be with, i don't want someone to lexture me, or give me advice, or tell me it's all going to be okay, and that you'll look back one day and only see it as a memory.

No, i don't want that right now. I just want someone who will listen. I want someone who can look me in the eye and listen to every word i say, someone who knows that even when i smile and laugh, deep down inside i'm always hurting.

Everyone seems so wrapped up in their own life, they seem to have forgotten about everyone else. Well, i don't blame them.

I'm usually never like this. Never this weak, this pathetic. i feel vunerable, like i'm stripped naked, and everyone is in the hallway trying to get into my room while i'm desperatley looking for clothes to help me conceal the pain on the inside.

I'm usually happy, and in a good mood. I'm the kind of person people look at and expect them to have no problems becuase they have a care free nature, and nothing seems to bother them, becuase they don't care.

I'm the kind of person who'll laugh things off, and act sarcastically so people won't end up taking me seriously.

I don't like having people worry over me, becuase honestly, i think i'm a waste of time. In a group of friends, there is always someone who doesn't seem to have a care in the world, like their problems are never serious, and nothing is taken seriously.

I'm that person.

this time i just want someone who can listen. I've been that person for people before. I've listened to others talk, and rant, even if what they were saying was only for the spurr of the moment, and that tomorrow, they weren't going to feel the same way. then it gets to the point where people expect you to be that person always. someone whose always ready to take on someone elses problems, becuase they don't have any of their own.

yeah, well, i've got problems now.

I'm gonna stop right now, before i end up writing a book about my feelings.

jesus, this is crazy.